the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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