i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
