my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
