Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
