YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
