I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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