she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
