I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
