This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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