btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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