Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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