Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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