my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
