I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
