I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
