Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
