Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
