My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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