Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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