Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
