My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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