my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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