I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
