ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
