I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
