he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wish I only lived at night.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
