This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Can I color on your dick again?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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