I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
