Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
