I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
