What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
