I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
