oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
