shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
one two three fourrrrnication!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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