nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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