I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
