i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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