If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
