she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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