I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
