Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You ate ashes out of my bong
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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