Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
