I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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