I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
