i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
