Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
