official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Drunk is not a location!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
