Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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