The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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