oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
