im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
