we made out on top of his cat.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
