He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
